Beside the Campfire
by Amazon Life
Summary: Set rigth after the campfire scene from ep. 22 'Callisto' . Gabrielle reflects on the reasons behind Xena's tears.


This oneshot was written quite a few years ago (my guess is 2001/2002, but I can't really be sure; I know it wasn't after that, though). I posted it to my lj then, but endep up taking it off for not too positive criticism. I'm making it public again now as a gift to Vanamo, who is currently discovering the awesomeness that is Xena+Gabrielle, for her own benefit. XD

I'd like you to keep in mind that I was, when I wrote this, in my early teens, and still not too far gone into my study of the English language. So please, be kind in your reviews. lol

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I didn't move, ignoring Xena's attempt to shrug me off, and remained with my chin resting on her shoulder, contemplating what had just happened. A few moments ago, when Xena said _'I promise' _and held my gaze, I could see the love in her eyes, and I scarcely dared breathe.

My heart was pounding as I began to open my mouth to say _'I love you'_, but something stopped me. I think Xena knew; I think she was even thinking the same words, but was already in such a vulnerable state that those three words would have sent her right over the edge.

We're so different from each other that it's hard for me to understand her sometimes. It's especially challenging when we come down to expressing feelings and the such, because love and affection have always come so easily to me, whereas Xena has so much difficulty with emotional displays. But I try to be patient, to allow her to take her time.

I know it was already a very big step for her to be able to tell me about her thoughts and feelings about Sirra, to let her guard down and allow the tears to fall. Moments like this make me grateful that Xena trusts me enough to open herself to me, for I know nothing makes her more uncomfortable than having her vulnerabilities exposed. And yet, she was doing it for my sake. Asking for any more than that would be demanding too much of her; it would be nearly cruel to her, having her make that great an effort and still wanting more. Still, I'm starting to think it might be necessary sooner or later.

At that precise moment, however, even though I loved her and she loved me and we both knew it, and it frustrated me immensely that she couldn't say it, I knew better than to push my luck.

Yet, I could not resist slowly reaching out to touch the tear on her cheek: my heart was swollen with love for her and with gratitude for how hard she was trying. I wanted her to know that. I wanted the power to remove all the pain and fear and the blocks to her heart, the power to make things easier for her, for us.

Xena jerked away in response to my touch, and could not look at me. I could strongly feel how desperate she was as she struggled to maintain control of her emotions. I wanted to tell her to just let go; there was no need to be in charge the whole time. But I knew it was still a long way until she'd be able to understand that.

"Go on", she instructed, her voice attempting to be gruff, and my pulse raced as I did not obey, instead pressing closely against her. I knew she wanted our bodies and hearts intertwined as much as I did. I could understand that, implicitly, it was that desire that she was telling to go away, not me. This was confirmed as her body stiffened, but did not try to break contact with mine.

Xena kept her gaze on the fire and brought a hand up to her mouth, trapping a gasp and all of the words that threatened to spill out. I could see she was so frightened, and, in a way, I felt bad for forcing her to face her ghosts, but I did not give in. I knew her love, our love, was stronger.

"Xena…" I kept my voice low and reassuring. "It's okay". We both knew that I was not talking about Sirra anymore. Xena's tears and emotions had long ago stopped being about Sirra. This was about us; Sirra was merely the trigger.

I kept my chin resting on her shoulder and took a deep, slightly shaky breath. I had to tread carefully hear, or risk scaring her off. How, I wondered, can I be sensitive to and respectful of her discomfort, and at the same time draw her out of her fear so that we can explore these feelings of ours?

For several moments, I did nothing other than being still, breathing, focusing fully on the feel of the present moment: Xena's soft flesh under my chin, the smell of her hair, the heat of her body. The memories of Xena's death, brief though it may have been, were still fresh in my mind. Those hours when I thought she was dead were pure heartache for me, as I agonized over all that was left unfinished between us, and all of the things I never got a chance to say to her.

If there was anything that experience taught me, it was that it is vital to cherish the present moment, because it is all there really is, and that, when you love someone, you should make sure they know, before it's too late. Love is no secret to take to the grave.

Carefully, I slid an arm across her belly, embracing her from behind. She flinched slightly, a gasp accompanying it, and I could feel the rhythm of her breathing quicken. Other than that, however, she showed no reaction, not making any voluntary sound or movement. I had been half expecting her to finally move out of my grasp, so I was relieved when she did not, and took that as a good sign.

"Xena…" I began again. "Try to relax…" She did not. "Try. Take a deep breath. Come on: in…", at my cue, her abdomen slowly expanded with breat. I kept my hand steady, palm flat against her stomach. "And out…" I whispered, as she released her breath, not as slowly as I had been wanting, but it was a start. And she did noticeably let go of some of the tension in her body. "Good", I murmured in her ear. Her body was leaning against mine ever so slightly, and I smiled


End file.
